VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
You Might Also Like
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?