Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
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Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.