*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
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My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
one last job
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars