@FrenulumBreve: BOSS: I'm sorry I just don't trust your judgment. ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

@squirrel74wkgn: I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

@Brianhopecomedy: Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

@HammerFist3: Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you Me: yeah well that's just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

@ToneLoaf: If you beep your horn .004 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off the car, lay on the hood and feed the birds for an hour.