*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
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Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Meat Cute
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
i’m still crying at this
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I just ran a .003048K
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh