Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
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I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.