7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
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Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.