@TheMichaelRock: Cinderella taught girls that it's ok if a guy has no idea what you look like as long as he's a prince.
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@parkersJoking: Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking "Damn I knew we shouldn't have given him that REI gift card"
@ValeeGrrl: Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was "bumpy." Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
@Wuttercuerk: I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I'm on their side.
@mattgallo123: House arrest? You mean permission to excuse myself from social interaction? Oh no, judge. Please don't.