I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
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It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
You can’t outrun your problems…
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂