Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
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WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Cat is stressing him out.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
sigh
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?