Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
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you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me: