@omgthatspunny: Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.
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@krishna_van: I don't always say 'oops', but when I do, it's usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
@AmishPornStar1: Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans. Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
@Dis0beyJay: [ First Date ] Her: So you're a MMA fighter? * flashback to me kickboxing a mannequin at Nordstrom's * Me: Yea, I'm still training
@taitutu: Phone rang for the 1st time in 4 months. My reaction was similar to finding a dead mouse on my porch. I circled it & poked it with a stick.