“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
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Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
me hooking up with my ex
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I think my mom just blocked me
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?