“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
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My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
mariah carrie
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*