ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
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Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?