Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
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If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Real House Wines.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.