“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
You Might Also Like
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
pat pat
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries