Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me