[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
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The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
That’s fair
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.