CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
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Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Best table by far
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED