CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
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[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it