CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
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SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.