Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
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Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.