@FlyoverJoel: Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
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@blade_funner: Me: It's ok if they stay a little damp Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
@DanMentos: "Hi I'm looking for a birthday card for my mom's sister" *hands you an extremely small card* "WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS" Yes "Perfect"
@Mr_Kapowski: The best part of Pitbull is he yells out "MR WORLDWIDE!," at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station
@DamienFahey: The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.