Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
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By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing