@OhNoSheTwitnt: CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don't know they lost.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [terrible nursing home] Old guy: How did you end up here? Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs. Him: *gasps* You monster.
@josh___grant: I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named "Spider."
@QwertyJones3: I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.