CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
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Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?