@garrettn: Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you're on a diet.
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@ThaJawn: Interviewer: Please take off your sunglasses.. Me: Nah, I'm afraid you'll see how high I am
@iinkedZombie: Wife: "Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!" Me: "Thanks! I've been working out!"
@dafloydsta: [at a funeral] *approaches the weeping widow and embraces her* *whispers* "So you're single now, right?
@Only_Fast_Eddie: People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.