Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
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A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
This is me 🤣🤣
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper