Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
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Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
it be like that
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I hope this email finds you in a well
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv