@conanobrienswyf: Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
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@Darchstar078: Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.
@GirrlGenius: If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
@topaz006: *drives up to liquor store door, honks horn *wine jumps off shelf, hops into my car *speeds off
@PaulyPeligroso: A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn't be weird.