Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
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How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I love wikipedia
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.