Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
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9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.