Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
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i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am