Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
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95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.