Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
You Might Also Like
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
bears
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Siri: Retweet me.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”