Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
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You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
When you’ve simply given up.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.