Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
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sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS