Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
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A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
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i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.