Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
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Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Choose your fighter
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
The three genders.
Last-minute gift idea!
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet