Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
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[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no