If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
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that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm