@zgbetty: Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
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@CulturedRuffian: Dear Lord, Thank you for these noodles I'm about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
@Book_Krazy: WAITER: Room for dessert? [flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts] ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those.
@NourHadidi: How to stop checking someone's Facebook page: 1. Delete your Facebook profile 2. Break your phone 3. Give away your laptop 4. Die