@zgbetty: Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
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@HammerFist3: Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you Me: yeah well that's just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
@TheWoodenslurpy: [commercial for gymnastics] Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
@ceejoyner: 2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said "nice lumberjack costume."