Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
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You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.