@zgbetty: Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
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@RealSugarFree: So far at work I've straightened a paper clip then tried bending it back to its original shape. Employee of the month right here.
@Travon: The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing "Stay With Me" into a megaphone.
@chriscr10571: The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies." I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"
@walks_on_legs: What is this special type of waffle called a "Tennis racket" and why does it taste like metal wires?