Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
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Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Sunday
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool