When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
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4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”