[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
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Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70