Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.