“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
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legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed