@LosLos__: Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
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@ObscureGent: The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment "gorgeous" on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
@WheelTod: A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
@thatdutchperson: "You're not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why." - Magazines
@Tommytoughstuff: [Olympic Swimming] CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they're kicking it.