@LosLos__: Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
@StevePeers: Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
@markleggett: If vampires like the taste of blood so much they should floss.
@ericsshadow: [final debate]
TRUMP: I'd like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
@twayne1010: A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
@KyleMcDowell86: *sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
"No no, allow me"
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*