If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
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Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.