Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
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Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
If you know, you know
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video