Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
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Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
12. I think about this all the damn time
Kermit goes Blue.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
finally found a reasonable question
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.