*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
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What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Shower sex be like:
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
…..pretty much.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched