*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
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Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.