Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
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To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws