Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
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Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Why I divorced her.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.